One of the things I didn't expect to happen this year was that I would lose my dad. Yesterday at 11:40 PM however, he went to be home with the Lord. It was unexpected. I'm still not sure I believe it.
At 3 PM he went into cardiac arrest. His condition quickly deteriorated after that. The hospital did everything they could to help him. He really had a great doctors and wonderful nurses. I am so thankful for each of them in their efforts .
It is crazy to think that I was able to be present for his very last moments. I held his hand until he was gone. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life.
The crazy thing about it is I REALLY FEEL how God has sustained me. I'm not saying that I feel great. I'm not even saying that I'm fully okay right now. What I am saying is that I have peace. I never expected to feel this way after losing him. I feel as though I can look past a lot of the pain and think about how I have hope.
Hope that he is with God.
Hope that I will someday see him again.
It makes it easier to remember happy times. It makes it possible for me to feel some happiness in thinking through all the years that he was in my life. I am able to think about how he is not suffering. I am pleased to be able to embrace that he is full of joy. That he is enjoying a new body that is the devoid of pain and suffering. I can relish in knowing that he is praising God at my grandfather Pablos side. (We lost Pablo in March of last year.)
Grief of course hits me when I don't expect it to. Moments where I fully forget that dad is gone. Moments where I will think on impulse "Oh! I should tell him about this or that!" They are moments following the realization of the truth. Moments that plunge me into a place of full on sadness again. I shed tears and reflect again on my loss. I know that this is natural and that I will experience it often. Eventually these experiences will lessen and I won't hurt AS much as I do right now.
I know it will always be painful that he is gone, yet I have the hope in Christ that I will see him again. This brings a lot of comfort.
Now it is a matter of being there for my family. My mom is so strong. I have such a respect for the way that she is handling everything. It blesses me to have her example as such a strong woman in Christ. What has blessed me most is her example of vulnerability. Being able to see her in this place has been both a hard and amazing example. She draws on the strength that she has in the Lord. It is the kind of way that I hope to react if I ever were to suffer loss that she has.
Thank you Mom.
Something that I am learning is that loss brings people together. The amount of love and support that we have received has been amazing. There have been so many messages, calls and outpourings of love from everybody we know. It has been so very comforting.
God is good. His grace has been MORE than sufficient to get us through this.
I am thankful.
Thankful that all of this will bring me closer to God. Thankful for the years that I had with my dad. Thankful for everything.